I don't know what happened. But suddenly I was filled with dread and fear. Paralyzed with anxiety. Hospitals don't normally freak me out. And compared to the hospitals where David and Mary were born, this one is the Ritz-Carlton. I guess the realization just hit me that THIS IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. I am going to have a baby. Which scares me, because, in my opinion, there is no good way to get a baby out. And then once the baby is out, one way or another, there it is. You have a baby ... and all that goes with that.
Fear. It filled my soul. I feared every little thing that will happen in the hospital. I feared potential complications. I feared that dang incision. I feared pain and discomfort. I feared mean nurses. I feared how big this baby will be. I feared her learning curve with nursing. I feared missing David and Mary. I feared how they will hold up while I am in the hospital so long. I feared not being able to meet their emotional needs. For a long time. I feared how drugged up I will be. For a long time. I feared not being able to let go of control while I am recovering. I feared caring about the laundry and the kitchen counters and teeth getting brushed and what my kids wear to school and lunches and dinner and screen time. Things I should not care about for a while. I feared David and Mary will feel sad. I feared they will not be able to settle into their normal routines. I feared they will remember this as a stressful, dark time for our family I feared I will lose my temper in moments when they most need tenderness. I feared Greg might break under all the additional responsibility. I feared being too hard on myself.
Some of the fear I could not even articulate. It was simply a dark feeling. A feeling of dread. Definitely not a feeling from God. (Does anybody else end up in a dark place at the end of pregnancy? I sure do.)
I didn't sleep last night. (I broke out in hives everywhere!! What the heck?! Needless to say, it was a miserable night.) I didn't think I would be able to get myself to church this morning. But I so wanted to go. I needed to feel something to counteract the darkness I felt inside. I was a little delirious and itchy, but I made it. And I'm so glad I did.
I loved singing the Christmas hymns. The messages that were shared were insightful and inspiring. David and Mary sang with the Primary children, and it was so sweet. I adore my children. Absolutely adore them. And I remembered what an act of faith it had been to bring them into the world.
For me, there is no greater act of faith than that of bringing a child into our family.
Anytime we act in great faith, there is the possibility, even the inevitability, of great fear. But I do not want to feel the fear. I want to be filled with the hope and love that are intertwined with acts of faith.
"For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." --2 Timothy 1:7
I may feel fear, but God has given me power. And love. And a sound mind.
"Behold, I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God ... I am the light which shineth in darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not." --D&C 6:21 (John 1:5)
I choose the light that will chase away the darkness and the fear. Sure, I still worry (about many of the things I listed above). But the peace I felt today chased away the darkness that comes from fear. Instead, I feel empowered with the Lord on my side as we take this step of faith.
Of course, the whole bringing another human being into the world is kind of scary. Any act of faith is. But it will be okay. And even if it's not okay, because of the Saviors' Atonement, it will still be okay.
I have felt this fear before. I have taken the leap of faith. I have experienced the blessings.
And they are blessings beyond measure.
